Hounds of War Presents: Thousand Cliche Death
by PXLism
Summary: Originally written by Hounds of War. Cloud and his friends encounter Hojo's new machine, the Clichetron 5000, which sends them into dimensions that subject them to bad fanfiction plotlines. Rated M for Strong Language.
1. Chapter 1

**Thousand Cliche Death**

**by Hounds of War**

-----

Chapter 1

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

Hojo's Lab, where a battle is taking place between Cloud, Tifa, Red XIII, and Hojo. 

Cloud: You'll never get away with this! Omnislash! (Cloud rushes at Hojo as everything slows down Matrix-style as hojo dodges every one of Cloud's slashes. Leaping into the air, Hojo moves one space to the left and Cloud comes crashing down, face first.)

Hojo: What's the matter, Cloud? Stuck?

Cloud (tries to get up, but his hair is stuck to the ground): Superglue! You..you..fiend!

Hojo: Fiend?

Cloud: (Shrugs)

Tifa: Okay, Hojo, now you're gonna--RED, STOP LOOKING AT MY BREAST!

Red XIII: Uhhh...

Hojo: FOOLS! With my new weapons, I shall banish thee to the realm of crappy, overused fanfiction plot devices FOREVER! (laughs mechanically as lighting crashes int he background) Damn! I've got to fix that roof. But first, behold the CLICHETRON 5000!

Tifa: Why is it 5000?

Hojo: Well..because..it...SHUTUP!

Just then, every other protagonist arrives 

Vincent: My, my, professor, it certainly is...big.

Cid: #$#$$&$$ THIS LET'S JUST KICK HIS ASS AND GO!

Hojo: BANZAI! (Fires Clichetron 5000 at our heroes, banishing them forever into the realm of bad, overused plot devices, except Cloud.)

Cloud: Damn! (Tugs uselessly at hair)

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Chapter 2

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 2

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

(**Hounds of War Author's Note**: For the three people and the Scottish terrier who don't know, in 1988, a 2D vertical scroller game called Zero Wing was released for the Sega Genesis. It was not particularly innovative or groundbreaking, and the company that made it (Toaplan) went out of business. What did stand out was the fact that it was horribly butchered in the translation. See  for more information. Also, this is meant to be the 'Things That FF7 Characters Won't Say' cliché plot.)

Everyone falls out of the portal into a black void and onto Cait Sith 

Barret: In the year 2101, the war was beginning. (Cait Sith explodes)

Vincent: What happen?

Cid: Someone set us up the bomb.

Aeris: We get signal.

Vincent: What?

Aeris: Main screen turn on.

Sephiroth appears from the shadows 

Vincent: It's you!

Sephiroth: How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction!

Vincent: What you say!

Sephiroth: You have no chance to survive make your time! Hah hah hah!

Sigs start appearing from nowhere 

Sephiroth: For great justice take off every zig! (Starts slashing sigs while everyone walks away and into another portal)

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Chapter 3

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 3

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

The spinning vortex between dimensions 

Vincent: Ahh!

Barret: Fooo'!

Cid: #$#!

Tifa: More tea?

Aeris: Why thank you Tifa, I think I will have some more.

Everyone falls out of the wormhole and onto the stage of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' 

Regis: Get off me. (Everyone gets off) Welcome to another edition of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'! (Audience cheers) Our first fastest fingers question, which came first, the chicken or the egg? We'll give our contestants thirty seconds times up, and lets see..Barret, Vincent, and Aeris got it right. The correct answer was-

Commercial Break begins and ends 

Regis: Welcome back to the show, and our first contestant of the night is Cid!

Vincent: But you just- (guard tranquilizes him)

Regis: So Cid, are you ready to play 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'?

Cid: No.

Regis: Great! Our first question for 100 dollars is: What is z((+65/32)+the hypotenuse of 7x over the square of 2?

Monkey

Minkey

Kenny

Necky

Cid: YOU #$# THE UP GODDAMNIT AND GIMME MONEY!

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Cid: $ THIS PLACE I'M GOING TO GO TAKE A GODDAMN WHIZ! (Whizzes on a gaffer offstage)

Gaffer: Sir, I don't think that-

Cid: WHEN I WANT YOUR # OPINION I'LL RAM THIS SPEAR UP YOUR ASS YOU LITTLE BIZOTCH!

Gaffer: Yes, sir.

Cid goes back onstage with his pants down 

Cid: So what were we talking about?

Regis: That's correct! Now for the one million dollar question. Who is Spain?

Why is Hitler?

I claim this land in the name of France.

Kookamungo!

All of the above except for A, B, and C.

Cid: How 'bout I ram this spear up your ass?

Regis: Congratulations! You're a millionaire! (Tons of gil fall on Cid, crushing him) That's all the time we have for today sooooo- (stops talking, tilts forward a little)

Vincent: Quick! Escape through that portal while that smelly gaffer is replacing the batteries!

Red XIII: What about Cid?

Vincent: Oh yeah. Let's dig him out, too.

After digging Cid out, everyone leaps into the portal 

CONTINUED TO BE


	4. Chapter 4

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 4

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

Everyone falls out of the vortex and into a coliseum 

Tifa: Strange, I have a strong urge to kill Aeris, suddenly.

Aeris: Yes, and I also want to do this! (Smacks Tifa with staff) I also want to call you bitch..bitch.

Tifa: Yes, I also have a strange desire to do this. (Kicks Aeris in the stomach, brings up her foot to smack her face, pulls her hair and throws her into the mud)

Aeris: It's okay, you ugly slut. (Rips off Tifa's sweatshirt)

Red XIII: (Under breath) Thank you, god.

Cid: HELL YEAH! I LOVE A #$# CATFIGHT!

Tifa: Shove this up your ass bitch! (Casts Ice1, throws it at Aeris'..uh…flower)

Aeris: OOH! You'll burn in hell you two-cent whore! (Casts Ifrit, burns off the rest of Tifa's clothes)

Red XIII: (Takes out cross, kisses it) You love me, you really really love me.

Meanwhile, back in the FF7 universe 

Rufus (standing before a crowd on a podium in Junon): …And that is why I shall proclaim this day to be known as Hojo Day. (Band strikes up 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow')

Hojo: (Jabbing a gun into Rufus' back): That's right, just keep nodding and smiling…

Hojo's lair, where Cloud is directing a construction team 

Cloud: Okay, easy does it now, easy…easy (Jackhammer slips) AH! AH! NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!

Back at the Coliseum, Tifa and Aeris have burned, scratched, melted, and ripped of any vestige of clothing and are now mud-wrestling. Red XIII is about to explode 

Vincent: Guys, we've got a portal to catch. Guys?

Cid: Uhh…

Red XIII: HEE! HEE! HEE!

Vincent: (Fires tranquilizers on everyone, then throws them into the portal): Cretins. It's not like they've never seen hot lesbo mud wrestling action before…

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. Chapter 5

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 5

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

Everyone falls out of the vortex and into ShinRa Mansion 

Vincent: Shinra Mansion? What the hell? (Tries to open the door, finds that it's locked)

Red XIII (sniffing the still unconscious Tifa, giggles like a pervert): Heh heh heh…

Cid: Domi arigato Mr. Roboto.

Mr. Roboto: I'm Killroy! I'm Killroy!

Vincent: Okay, in this sort of situation, the only way to exit is to find out the trigger that makes the story move along, so all we have to do is walk around until—OOF! (Hounds of War falls on Vincent)

Hounds of War: Whew! Luckily something broke my fall. Something like Vincent.

Vincent: Get off.

Hounds of War: Why should-hey! Domi arigato Mr. Roboto!

Mr. Roboto: I'm Killroy! I'm Killroy!

Vincent: Ahem.

Hounds of War: Oh yes, that's right. You're here in Shinra mansion until you can find a portal, or until I can think of something to move this plot along. Be warned, there are fanfic writers loose. (Disappears in a flash of light)

Red XIII: (Head stuck under Tifa's skirt): Heh heh heh!

Vincent: Okay, so the only one's left are Aeris, Barret, and me.

Aeris (pulling up weeds): Pwetty flowers! Pwetty flowers!

Vincent: Uh huh…so it's just Barret and…

Barret (break dancing): Mad skillz foo'! Y'all canst to be touching this yo!

Vincent (sighs): It's just me.

Upstairs where he meets a fanfic writer in a random encounter 

Vincent (Uses Scan): Female, can cast yaoi, insomnia, and has Insertion spell that damages all characters. Use lightning attacks to short-circuit computer, use (Get a) Life to inflict major damage. Oh fuck this. (Runs away.)

Fanfic writer: Waitwaitcomebacklikeohmygoshyouaresototallycutewhenyou'rescared!

Downstairs in the basement 

Sephiroth: Fool! I told you to stay away! I'm going to meet my mother. (Throws materia at Vincent)

Vincent: Oof! Oh, so you wanna materia fight, eh? (Starts throwing materia at Sephiroth.)

Sephiroth: Ack! Quit dammit, that hurts!

Vincent: You should've thought of that before!

Fanfic writer crashes through the ceiling 

Fanfic writer: LikeohmygoshitsliketotallyVincentandSephiroththisissocool! (pulls out laptop, and starts typing.)

Vincent: Hey..what're you doing…no, stay back! STAY BACK!

Screams echo and reverberate through the halls 

Vincent: (lies on the floor and cries)

Sephiroth (fiercely scrubbing crotch area): CLEAN! MUST GET CLEAN!

Giant portal appears and sucks everyone up 

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. Chapter 6

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 6

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

(**Hounds of War Author's Note** (of death!): For the three Nebraskans who don't know, a WAFFy fic is defined as: Warm and Fuzzy Feelings…meaning that the fic in general leaves one with a fresh aftertaste much like that of a York Peppermint Patty, but in an almost sexual way (for some people, anyway). In any case, though I'm not sure if WAFFy counts as a cliché, someone has requested…nay, DEMANDED that I write one. So, enjoy…or else.)

Everyone falls out of the vortex and into a boot camp 

Drill Sergeant Think 'Full Metal Jacket': YOU SCUM SUCKING EGG-LINKIN' BALL HUGGING PIECES OF SHIT ON MY SHOE!

Aeris (hugging a ball): What?

Tifa (licking an egg): Who?

Cloud (sucking scum): Huh?

Shit on Shoe: Fuck you, man.

Drill Sergeant: YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORMS OF LIFE ON THIS FUCKING PLANET! THIS IS THE GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT I HAVE TO FUCKING PUT UP WITH! OVER THE NEXT FEW FUCKING WEEKS I WILL MOLD YOU UNTIL YOU ARE THE PERFECT MODEL OF THE MODERN GENTLEMAN AND LADY! YOU WILL TREAT EACH OTHER WITH FUCKING RESPECT DUE TO EACH FUCKING OTHER! AM I UNDERSTOOD!

Cid (lights a cigarette): Shaddup.

Drill Sergeant: GRRR! DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT SMOKING WILL GIVE YOU FUCKING CANCER! YOU HAD BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF BEFORE I UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!

Cid: Blow me.

Drill Sergeant (under breath): Maybe later.

Day 13: Tea Party 

Drill Sergeant: YOU ARE ONLY GOOD AS THE RUDEST MEMBER OF YOUR FUCKING TEAM!

Cid: We have successfully navigated the hallway, entered the patio…now we're gonna practice sipping techniques. We've been drilling for weeks, doing finger-lifting exercises…God, who knew it would be this hard.

Narrator: Watch his story and many others at Learn the real stories, the real people.

Day 20: Tie Exercises 

Barret: Fuck this shit foo', I'm getting outta here.

Vincent: Goddamit, we're gonna pull through, you here me? We've lost too much to just give up now!

Barret: No! I can't take this shit anymore! (starts to run)

Vincent: Tackle him!

Day 60: Graduation 

Aeris: More chaufe-de-lounge, Tifa?

Tifa: Why, thank you, Aeris, I will have some.

Cid: Sir, your coarse remark is offensive to me.

Vincent: I had naught the notion of that, please forgive my rude and unmediated outburst.

Cid: That is quite all right. I forgive you.

Vincent: You are a true friend.

Cid (thinking to himself): My name is Cid Highwind. Tactical Shinra Combat Pilot Class 1. Though there are 7,323,987 (minus the first six digits) others like me, I am an Army of One.

Narrator: find out more at Oh, there you are Charles! Tea? Crumpets?

Giant portal sucks everyone up 

TO BE CONTINUED


	7. Chapter 7

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 7

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

Everyone falls out of the-oh fucking hell do I really need to insert this? I think by now you would've figured out what goes here. Assholes 

Announcer: Ladies and lesbians! Introducing the eight wonder of the world…Jerry Springer!

Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry Springer: Thank you, thank you! Today on our show, "Necrophiliac vampires and the illegal minors who love them!'

Audience: Whoo! (Shotgun fired)

Jerry Springer: Let's welcome our first guest, Vincent Valentine.

Vincent: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry Springer: Hello, Newman.

Vincent: Huh?

Jerry Springer: Nothing. Well now, Vincent. Tell us a little about yourself.

Vincent: Well, I wish to kill you all and steal your souls to pacify my dark hunger, yearning for the light of redemption, but fearing her touch…the touch of my sweet, dead Lucrecia…

Jerry Springer: That's great. Well, let's meet our next guest, Yuffie Kisn…Kasen…ke...Yuffie K.!

Audience: Whoo! (More shotguns fired)

Jerry Springer: We've got a surprise for you, Vincent. You thought you were getting a cake…instead you're getting Yuffie!

Vincent: Damnation, Springer, I want my cake!

Jerry Springer: Wouldn't you rather have…nakedness?

Vincent: No. Cake. Now. You give.

Yuffie: But check it out, I've got breasts now!

Tifa runs onstage, boobs jumping up and down 

Tifa: You fucking twat. Gimme back my bra!

Audience: WOOO! (The floor is now covered with spent shells)

Vincent: Can I have some cake now?

Jerry Springer: No.

Vincent: GRR! HULK SMASH! (tries to turn into the Incredible Hulk) Grr! Gr? Why isn't it working? (breaks down and starts to cry)

Jerry Springer: Well, that's all the time we have for today. On our next episode: "Jerry, I make secret love to my hair gel!"

FF7 World 

Cloud: Goddammit! (Trying to reach for the remote)

Hojo: Heh. S'matter, blondie? Having a hard time finding the remote?

Cloud: You bastard! You motherfucking bastard!

Hojo: Hey, I don't judge you! (Kicks remote away)

Cloud: I don't know whether to cry or barf at that…

GUESS WHAT GOES HERE. JUST TAKING A FUCKING SHOT IN THE DARK.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thousand Cliché Death**

**By Hounds of War**

Chapter 8

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

Everyone falls out of the portal and onto a movie set 

Director: People! Can we PLEASE try and get this right? Where is Aeris?

Assistant: She's still in her trailer, sir. She refuses to come out. Something about the pistachio nuts not being in season.

Director (rubs forehead): Why must this happen to me. (Spots Aeris) You!

Aeris: Me?

Director: No, the girl behind you.

Tifa: Me?

Director: Yes, you! You're perfect! You look exactly like her!

Tifa: Like who?

Director (under breath): Idiotic bimbos…(normal voice) We're shooting FF7, The Movie! Look, the woman who is playing Aeris won't come out of her trailer, so we need you to stand in for her! You're her exact double!

Aeris: Hey, what about me?

Director: And you are?

Aeris: Aeris!

Director: Uh huh…Security!

Cid and Vincent take Aeris away 

Aeris: Cid! Vincent! How could you?

Vincent: Hey, they let us use the snack bar.

Later 

Director: And…action!

Sephiroth jumps down, trying to kill Aeris but misses 

Sephiroth: Ah! Cramp, cramp!

Director: Ugh…

Later 

Director: Take seventy-nine! And…action!

Sephiroth jumps down and tries to kill Aeris but gets tangled in the wires 

Director: Screw this! I'll just pay for the damn computer special effects.

Nerdy programmer: Hah hah! I knew you would come crawling back to us! Ah hahahahhaha Cough cough (takes out inhaler)

Meanwhile, on the set of the A-Team reunion special 

Mr. T: That be da shit foo'!

Barret: Word up foo'!

Back on the set 

Director: Okay, in this scene, Cloud-

Matt Daemon: Yo.

Direcotr: Will execute Omnislash on Sephiroth.

Tom Cruise: Gotcha.

Director: And…action!

Tom Cruise: Prepared to die, Cloud?

Matt Daemon: …………Cut!

Director: For the love of…okay, Matt, what's wrong?

Matt Daemon: I just don't know, I can't seem to get the feel of this character. I mean, what's his motivation?

Director: Avenge his dead girlfriend, prove himself as a man, SAVE THE WORLD! What more motivation do you need?

Matt Daemon: Stop yelling! (Runs crying to his trailer)

Director: … (pulls out revolver, shoots himself in the face)

Giant portal sucks everyone up 

Barret: NO! I don't wanna go, foo'!

TO BE CONTINUED

(Unfortunately, Hounds of War never finished this fic, so we leave with the idea of what fic could possibly be next. God help us. Lol. Hope you enjoyed!)


End file.
